[Action Required] Hey dumbfucks
Are you ready for this hardcore era of Dumb CDC?
It’s me, the decayed corpse of John Snow, the father of epidemiology.
I understand that you people prefer your leadership to have worms in their brains. Folks are always asking me ‘Hey Johnny, do you have worms in your brain?’ And I say: Yes, and I have the best worms. The most incredible worms, descending from that good stock of 1850s worms. Back when worms were strong.
Going forward, we here at Dumb CDC will be rolling back the clock. We will only use archaic tools like Microsoft Teams and paper ledgers for communications and data collection.
Our new research focus? Cholera. A prescient focus as I believe we will be fighting it in the near future. Roll up your sleeves! It seems like nobody wants to work these days.
Back in my day, epidemiologists walked their asses water pump to water pump, watering hole to watering hole, to see which one had the most human shit in it. Our research question was twofold: (a) Who drank the poop water? (b) But did you die?
To build a breakthrough Dumb CDC 2.0 and succeed in an increasingly autocratic country, we will need to be extremely hardcore. This will mean working long hours at high intensity deleting data logs and defunding legacy projects. Only exceptional performance will constitute a passing grade.
Dumb CDC will also be much more worms-driven. Design and product management will still be very important and report to me, the corpse of John Snow. But those who can hear and understand the worms will constitute the majority of our team and have the greatest sway. At its heart, Dumb CDC is a cost function, so I think this makes sense.
We’re entering an era where our institutional priority is no longer DEI.
It’s try not to D-I-E.
The first rule of Dumb CDC? Don’t talk about Dumb CDC. No more public communications or weekly reports that have underpinned national health logistics since our nation’s founding. Let it collapse. Let it burn. We can finally fire those social media Zoomers, always on their phones.
If you are sure that you want to be part of the new Dumb CDC, please click yes on the link below:
Anyone who has not done so by 5pm ET today (TODAY) will receive three months of severance. Not too shabby for being a beta cuck.
Whatever decision you make, thank you for your efforts to make Dumb CDC successful.
John
We are so back